Tales from the Web

Voi sono qui

2012-02-04T05:05:00.000-08:00

A new month and a new post, so sit back as i fire up youtube and delve into the my inner workings. Not too much to add really, still searching for a new job and a night class to learn Italian :) . I have always had a fascination with other languages but apart from French never really got my tongue around them ha ha. So far Italian is fairly simple and I hope my pronunciation is ok but hence why I'm searching for a class for some inspiration and help.

Job hunting is a horrible thing to be put through, even worse than my time on the dole. It feels like a fruitless endeavour at the best of times, all that seems available is either sales (which if you know me i would not be great at lol) or jobs im in no way suitable or qualified for. So im stuck at UPS for the time being, although im keeping my eyes peeled for any internal jobs that would bolster my pay (fingers crossed eh?). In what seems like a desperate attempt to grasp at some semblance of an art career i've also started a portfolio specifically designed for work at Games Workshop, having seen work they produce and spoken to insiders they occasionally recruit outside of employment drives if work "inspires them". Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

No luck on other fronts, although i did meet someone who seemed like there were similar interests, but nothing concrete to suggest anything other than a passing friendship...it was nice to have met someone like that, its been a while since a positive connection.

Spider Corner

I decided to offer my spiders a section on my blog to seperate their daily goings on and make things easier. So apart from some new additions a while back of 2 x cyriopagopus Thorelli (Mayalasian earth tiger), an Avicularia Versicolor (Antillies Pink toe) and a chaetomopelma gracile, not much to say. Oh oh yes i nearly forgot.....i saw my Plebonious muticus (King Baboon) juvie for the first time in 3 years!!!!!

New Years playlist

2011-12-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

As we once again put another year to bed and move into the next, music has been of massive importance and the following songs have made me smile,dance,sing or just pure head bang. These are my possible top 20 songs i've loved this year (although there is loads haha)

1. Thank you pain - The agonist

2. We shall all Bleed - Deadlock

3. What a horrible night to have a curse - Black dhalia murder

4. Blow - Atreyu

5. Conversion - Straight line stitch

6. Nancy the Tavern Wench - Alestorm

7. Locust - Machine Head

8. Rasputin - Turisas

9. Nothing Left - As I lay dying

10. The Brave/Agony applause - Deadlock

11. Shattering the skies above - Trivium

12. All night Lights - 36 Crazyfists

13. Snuff - Slipknot

14. Lead sails (and a paper anchor) - Atreyu

15. Virus Jones - Deadlock

16. Like an angel - Rise Against

17. Aint no Grave - Johnny Cash

18. Paper Tiger - Dry Kill logic

19. More than meets the eye - Testament.

20. Everyone bleeds now - Hatebreed

The music can only get better next year, so i for one am looking foward to it. Here's to next year...lets hope its a good un.

Stuck in 1st gear

2011-11-28T03:07:00.001-08:00

Have i missed all opportunities? I cant claim back time ive lost/wasted....things are going to have to change. Inspiration can come from anywhere, its drive which alludes me.

To live and die by fire

2011-11-16T02:51:00.001-08:00

Things never go quite to plan do they. I heard a "rumor" that the company i work for will be closing its largest depot outside of Europe and the US at Easter. Effectively putting me out of a job....again. If this is the case, then this presents me with a unusual situation. Id be happy as i don't much care for my current job and a new job may open up more opportunities and experiences, but going on the dole is not an option i would like to experience again (If you have been on the dole, you will know exactly why).

Looking at it from a sensible point of view, nothing is set in stone until it happens and rumors can and have had a damning effect on things before. You can tell its nearly Christmas though, the sudden explosion of santa's festooned everywhere, seasonal offers that have been on all year but suddenly look tempting and of course the run up to the dreaded new years resolution.

This year i decided to have a go at one i may actually keep to, try to breed all of my spiders at least once. Speaking of spiders i've had the chance to mate my P.Muticus (King Baboon) female who being the second largest arachnid in Africa (behind Hysterocrates Gigas) is more than a handful for any partner. She currently strides in with a 10" leg span and seeing as her partner is roughly about 4-5" ls this may be a short lived affair. Although it doesn't look good for the male, if successful it will be a rare breeding worthy of note and i fully intend to keep notes on times, dates etc to hopefully publish later in the British Tarantula Society journal.

All this and a case of man flu, got my dvd player and a decent book to read, i can sit you out virus. Ill be back fighting fit within a few days :)

And here she is....freshly moulted and for once in a good mood.

Date night

2011-11-05T04:48:00.000-07:00

I recently decided that my blog needed a revamp due to certain features not being easily distinguished against the background. Another change i know lol.

I cant believe the week it has been, Sunday i passed my red 2 grading for kung fu. A painful process but otherwise totally worth it at the end. Jiu jitsu is going great and my game is constantly evolving and getting sharper. Work is work and the less said the better haha.

All i have really been looking forward to is Newark on 11th Dec, i so really want some new Tarantula's!! I would love to breed some of my females but finding the males is proving a tricky proposition. Luckily i was offered a male Poecilitheria Regalis (Indian Ornamental) and yesterday had his first date with my HUUUUUGE female.

All went well and looks like he did his job and she was in the mood, so give him a few days of R&R and he will once again go back into the breach. If she is not receptive then its a good chance she is gravid :D. Looked at receiving a few new sp yesterday but i was quoted £30ish for slings no bigger than a 2p piece. Im sorry i wont pay that price, not now not ever.

Lets hope that all goes well and i may have some more new slings to sell. All goes towards the master plan, these little beauties are helping me get my own home. Every little helps, or so they say.

UPDATE: Just to let you all know, things must have either gone well or he wasn't up to scratch. Put the male in again and she decided she was not in the mood by any stretch, chasing him all the way round the tank.

So this could mean she is gravid. Now its just a case of feeding her up and cooling her daily temperature and see if she drops a sac. An unusual night to say the least with one my ever elusive T.subcaeruleus deciding to venture out into the open and show me its all good and he/she is growing well :)

Its nice to get some good news for once.

Letters to the Deaf

2011-10-13T04:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Cameron,

I feel obliged to write this letter as a concerned citizen, who under your and the previous government's guidance is now looking at a pretty bleak future. The following article is to me of great interest.

http://money.uk.msn.com/news/money-news/more-rented-homes-unaffordable

As much as I loathe MSN's news coverage, this particular article caught my eye. This is pretty much what is happening to the housing market. I would not be surprised if soon most people are priced out of the housing market for good. Even renting, which many see as the only option is proving to be a noose round one's neck.

Under the circumstances Im forced to spend the foreseeable future as a lodger with my folks, who graciously put up with my situation. Although forever searching for a job able to better support me and my future aspirations I cant help feel left out in the cold. Am I ever going to be able to afford a mortgage? Its getting increasingly harder to adopt the supposed optimistic attitude you say we should Mr Cameron.

How about, and i know its not a popular idea but sleep on it and just think......lets stop giving social (another word for free) housing to pregnant teenagers, Immigrants or people to lazy to work for a living. Instead, and this bits the hard bit to swallow......help the people of Britain who work bloody hard all week and contribute to the good of the country. Instead of demolishing our public services, lets slash the banker's bonus structure, the dole payouts for the lazy, disability benefits for the liars, the wages of the top dogs at the NHS and police force, and lets send the immigrants in our jails back to their respective countries.

I cannot see the current future holding much for myself and others in the same situation, are you going to help us or just keep holding our heads under water? Eventually something has to give.

Time to get moving

2011-09-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have made me see my life in a different sense. I feel as if I know what I need to make me "happy" in a conventional sense... but then when are we truly happy? Its a case of finding the happy medium I suppose. Anyhow I'm pretty sure I know what's needed just not how to get it or get there.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing i know." Ernest Hemingway

Laugh to hide the tears

2011-09-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

Ah the working week, how I loathe you and your ilk. But enough of the inane ramblings that normally permeate this blog and to talk about good things. This weekend in particular....

Saturday, the day where you normally realize goes way too fast and leaves you with the dreaded 'its Sunday tomorrow' feeling. Then by an act of the gods (mythical or not) i receive an message inviting me to drinks and laughs at slinks. I must admit it cheered me up, although weekend had been fine 4 hrs of BJJ training can make you glad of the impending relaxation. The only real problem i encountered that day was 'What to drink?' - that age old chestnut that has stumped many a drinker since time began. So im stood in tesco's for what felt like an eternity deciding....plumping for the ol uni fave Coors light.

This emergency over it was on to slinks pied-a-terre, as usual greeted with a warm reception and instantly offered a beer (thanks sarah :D). It was a great night, nearly lost a mouthful of beer on more than one occasion whilst watching the office and blackadder dvd's. By the end we had all drunk a fair amount to say the least....

Also a point to note, they're plotting. Sarah was right! they know something i dont or they just like messing with me. If you are wondering what in zeus's beard im blabbering on about my Tarantula's are forming an invincible army to take over the planet. That or they like to keep me on my toes. After attempting a routine re-housing for two of my beloved pets, one which went so smoothly i was admittedly a little scared the other T decided to up the ante.

These are the two T's that were moved, the Lampropelma Violaceopes (Singapore Blue) and Hetroscodra Maculata (Togo Starburst). The Violaceopes which is only about 5" at the moment and no where near as big as it will be went so smooth i almost expected it to turn at the last moment and give me what for lol.

The Maculata, well this is a spider you seriously don't want to mess with. I was fairly nervous about moving my female, although she recently moulted and was ready to go...i was on edge. After finding her and moving her log hide, she sat on side of enclosure, a small touch on the back of her leg and its game time. Faster than anything i have ever dealt with she ran out of tub into new enclosure (phew!) flipping onto her back as she was going so fast, scrabbled upright and bolted off into the new enclosure. Sighing i thought that was it, but oh no.....she came onto her new home and displayed her fangs (dripping with venom ). Its safe to say at that point i closed the door and went for a stiff drink. What a way to end the weekend lol.

More than meets the eye

2011-08-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

I need out.....my life is upside down and its not getting any better. Chin up my arse...just leave me the fuck alone

The streets are awash

2011-08-13T05:03:00.000-07:00

I have kept my tongue for long enough now, bypassing any opportunity to say my true feelings on events of late. I would firstly like to say a big "thank you and well done" to the police and emergency forces. Those brave men and women have my utmost respect and loyalty. At every opportunity the media and members of the public/government criticize the police for being either too soft or too heavy handed. If we cast a eye back to the events of the G20 summit and the untimely death of Ian Tomlinson, which showed a certain individual (and individual being the important word!) have a lapse of judgement and subsequently brought shame and dishonor on not only himself but his profession. What began then was a backlash and the usual mudslinging between areas of parliament and the public. The reason i mentioned the G20 protests is to highlight an example of when the police were criticized for using heavy handed tactics, this in the wake of supposed "peaceful" protesters storming the Bank of England and throwing bricks and other missiles at police. I would like to know why? I know if i was on the front line, just doing my fucking job (like the police are) a missile thrown at me would be an act of aggression and intended violence.

This criticism obviously sent ripples in the higher leagues of the police force and the government always having to meddle in things they don't know about. I would not be surprised if the police on the ground were told to "hold the line" if they were to face any aggression. This in a misguided attempt to gain face with the politicians and the public. I believe the actions of the police had a tremendous impact and have saved many lives the heartbreak Mr Jahan has now to face.

As for the attacks on the government and in particular the conservatives.....yes i agree that the statements they have released in late have been ill thought out and only made the divisions deeper. But i am in despair that people seemingly forget that labour were in government before the Tories and their flamboyant use of public money and the countries values has not so much helped but dragged us kicking and screaming into this state of disaster. The expenses scandal in the House of commons only served to fuel our views that MP's are overpaid and are totally out of touch* (read: Thieving filthy bastard's)...but yet this is only one part of the problem. When people say the youth are disenfranchised and disconnected, I have to contain my laughter....they have never had to face dire poverty as we see daily in Somalia and other 3rd world countries, famine and War. I understand that the job market has shrunk, but too many people have either forgone an education at a young age or decided to follow their parents path of living off the system. The benefits system needs a huge revamp and tighter controls making sure the people who actually need the help get help. The borders should be shut to immigrants who cannot prove beyond reasonable doubt that they are willing to contribute to the country and to intergrate peacefully.

I feel as if Im moving off point here, but i believe its issues such as this that create problems at even a base level. The government (whoever that is) will never truly "give a shit" its up to the public to come together and unite against elements of the country who are content on letting everything we hold dear burn. I fucking love England and i am proud as punch to be English, i believe we can show people our history and rich heritage and help people add to it instead of destroying anything our grand parents and great-grandparents fought and died for.

Just as a closing statement to the Emergency services and the Police in particular.....Keep up the great work, you dont realise just how much we need you.

Against the tide

2011-07-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it when your having an off day/week/month and so on, everyone thinks they know the solution?. It always starts the same way, they all say "you need a man/woman/bottle of jd and a deserted island (delete where applicable) in your life". As if those things would magically right all the wrongs and change your fortunes. Its also the platitudes, the sort of things said to make people supposedly feel better but are just empty sympathies...the best being "there's plenty more fish in the sea". Don't feed me that crap, i don't believe that and no i don't believe there is someone for everyone either.

I have been in a few relationships and found that the people I was with were not right for me, that's fine i have no problem with that (i am a realist). Its when you jump back into those 'shark infested waters' that you realise you a) are completely out of your depth b) you have no hope in hell of meeting someone who wont judge you before you even open your mouth and c) the only decent people are already in a relationship..

I would rather not have such a poor view on this part of life, i would like to spend my time with someone i can connect and make new discoveries (wow that sounded better in my head)....but life it seems has other plans.

You may think i am a cynic and obviously incapable of stringing five words together with another human, but i put this to you. We as humans are capable of such malice and cruelty to each other, whether it be blatant or not. The media bombards us of what we 'should' look like, 'how' we should be and 'what' we should aspire to be, but its all a farce. People blame the media for societies ills but they don't think we the public feed the media. If people were less image conscious, materialistic and more open we would have a much better world. It's not going to happen, but it would be nice to think 'it' is playing out somewhere in another universe.

I know what im blogging about is nothing compared to what other people may go through, and for that i am regretful. All i know is that at this moment in time i am miserable.

MA Seminar overload

2011-07-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Wow what a weekend, had two great seminars with GM Sam Kwok. The first day was pretty much Chi sau, Gor sau and using Chi sau within a confrontational environment. The Sunday was a pure weapon seminar focusing on Bart cham do (roughly translates to "The eight cutting knives") and the use of Butterfly knives against long objects ranging from baseball bat to 6 1/2ft pole. This bit was alien to me as it was my first real weapons lesson in Wing chun, i've done some Escrima (Filipino stick fighting) before and knew some basic striking and foot work so I was ok for a while lol.

Already ordered my set of knives from my Sifu Steve, straight from China (authentic) so im looking forward to those beauties arriving soon. Also found out that the legendary Royce Gracie (then again which Gracie is not some sort of legend lol) is doing a seminar in Coventry next Monday so i signed up for that as well....i was pretty gutted i had to make the choice between the GM Kwok seminar and the Braulio Estima BJJ seminar but WC eventually won.

I think a trip to eddies is on the cards very soon as well, a night of drinking and good music in general will sort out anyone's problems : D

If your 555....

2011-07-06T03:33:00.000-07:00

Phew!! Its been a taxing few weeks to say the least...having a new bathroom installed causing me to lose precious sleep for one. The noise stopping any hope of coursework and work being work just makes it all peachy. The weekend was greatly received to say the least and i was able to get to Birmingham NIA to see the Selco Masters Midlands final ( 5 a side tournament with players from the past ) , which was much better than expected. A jack and coke and all's well with markuuus's world :)

Not being business minded in the slightest I was quite happy to see the P.Irmina slings go to a dealer for store credit, so like a small child at that special holiday period I excitedly worked out which new spiders I would be gaining. After making my mind up and ordering the spiders, I find out that they're out of stock!!! :( btw this is where the week goes sour.....

I need to move out asap....some people would ask why not sooner? well like most people in my position its not financially viable. It's nothing to do with your job, its what the bank want to lend you...which at the moment is not much. So I get by saving as much as possible a month and trying to see the positives of living with your folks, but for me personally as I have lived on my own, cooked, cleaned and fended for myself its a hard transition. Most people today make snap judgements on things they dont know a damn thing about and what they are told to think by society as a whole...and it pisses me off. It really pisses me off, some moments its a case of "snap of the synapse and now its fucking war!!!"...you call me dependant on my parents and afraid of the "real" world??? I would answer you back with a diatribe that you tear your head from your gaunt, shallow husk of a body, but your not worth my fucking time.

Its people and comments that they use to pull everyone down to their level that make me glad there is music like slipknot and hatebreed....a little bit of aggression to help ease the anger. Been listening to IOWA and its helped me to calmly release some anger, so much so Ive found my BJJ improve. I may be entering a competition soon on my instructor's behest. Deep breaths and remember to come up for air.

Smiling like a Cheshire cat :D

2011-06-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

I've been walking on sunshine since getting my first stripe on thursday. Its been over a year in the making, with most of that time taken up with various injuries etc. It was so unexpected but I realise now that its the beginning and that I do deserve it thus giving me the confidence to be more assertive when rolling. During rolling now some of the higher grade's have commented that I am a "good scrap" lol, and cause a few problems (I like the stack pass :D ). During training off the back focusing on guard escapes and submissions I was able to hold off the pass, nearly getting the triangle choke. But alas this was not to be and I was ultimately passed, later I thought about how I should have swivelled on my hips and shot my legs through the attackers to attempt the kneebar.....ah hindsight my old friend.

Coursework progress has been compromised by the sheer lack of quiet, its amazing how hard it is to concentrate when there's a load of noise going on! But it should be all great when the work has finished :D

Dazed and Confused

2011-06-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

After reading slink's awesome review of the download festival, I felt that I should add another view of the weekend. The Thursday could have gone smoother, work not letting me have the day off and then trying to keep us back for a late feed :( (do they not realise they're is metal coated goodness awaiting?!?). So after rushing home and getting last of bits and bobs sorted (including a mad dash for duct tape) I made it back in time to be picked up by slink and friends.

Thursday:
So after hunting round for what seemed like an eternity to find a camping space, we managed to get a space large enough in what could have been another county (so far was the trek). This later proved to be a good thing as the toilets were cleaner (in festival terms). So after a stroll round the village and the hunt for food, we ended the day drinking and munching in anticipation for friday's bounty.

Friday:
After possibly the worst nights sleep in a long while we were ready for the day to begin, managed to get a decent view for first few bands at main stage. CKY were not my cup of tea and were slightly boring, Puddle were just that....a damp squib of a band, Duff's loaded were a poor act for a man of such high esteem. I was surprised by Black stone cherry, catchy riffs and a decent front man made for an enjoyable show, by this time Im itching for some proper metal....so up comes Children of bodom, great start but then the sound died....one minute it was there and then poof.....gone. Not a great start, Alter bridge were fantastic and blew me away (knew there was a reason I loved em) and Korn made my day with a awesome set, even bringing out classics such as "shoots and ladders" and "blind". Def Leppard were nothing special so cold, tired and aching we retired.

Saturday:
Today was the big one, no not system (for me) but Straight line stitch's (SLS) first ever UK show @ pepsi max stage. The day went slow with Devil wears prada not putting on a great show. All that remains had me smiling and singing along (much to the chargrin of my cohorts lol). SLS were freaking awesome! it's always great when you discover a band you end up loving and they were on fire...defo going to see them again with 36 Crazyfists in Sept/Oct. Skindred were blinding and a resounding success, missed Evile (bummed) but it did mean good views of AX7 and SOAD. AX7 played way too much new stuff for me and no rendition of "Beast and the harlot" is criminal in my opinion. Soad were good, not a HUUUGE fan though but crowd were willing to make up where the band lacked.

Sunday
Curse you vile weather, due to the rain I ended up missing Collapse....but after a mad mud covered, rain soaked dash to the camping store to get poncho'd up I was back in the game. I made it in time for Malefice who started out like every other band and then surprised me with melody (I love melody in metal). After a quick nosey in the tents and seeing a band called "Hell" in which the frontman whipped himself whilst asking us all to become spawn of satan....I decided to brave the rain. Kvelertak were awful, GWAR were damn enjoyable live bringing the first smile of the day to my face. Turisas were amazing, then Disturbed and BFMV. Both were amazing and put on excellent shows, even though half way through BFMV I went slightly hoarse lol. So glad I braved the rain for them, although I didnt get to see Rob Zombie due to the amount of mud and my loosening grip on the ground.

Monday and so on:
Back to the grindstone and im already missing the baking heat and the douchebag crowds of download festival. Big thanks to slink and friends for what was an amazing weekend.

FUBAR

2011-05-23T02:37:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in your life where certain people will do their utmost to discredit, hurt and generally make you feel 10 sizes to small. These people are everywhere, in our schools, jobs, in our own lives...possibly even your homes! I count myself lucky that for me its far from the truth. Like all people i know my demons and keep them away at all costs. So let me whisper in your ear the startling truth.....they don't want you to go, they wont let you forget and they will do everything in their power to destroy you again and again.

"After A while The Current is Calling Me,
lulling Me Waving Goodbye.
I’m Out Here Alone, Oh God Can You Save Me Now?
Sinking My Heart Turns To Stone."

After my negative experience, which was well over a year ago a lot changed, i changed. You can't help it, i was already a bit of a pessimist...this just made me worse. As time went by I learned to deal with certain emotions and look to the future. I was always told to "move on" and that i had a "lucky escape", but at the time its easier said than done. Now although i don't feel great about things and myself I'm free. It just took time and a stout refusal to even acknowledge this person even existed, i burned it all....memories, everything. This seemed like the best way to get some distance and start again.

"The next tragedy will begin where this one ends
With everything thats happening I allow
If I held this all inside I'd be dead by now."

So we reach the reason for this blog, after a long time in the emotional wilderness i get a message from someone in my darker days i wished some pretty rough stuff unto (as we all do when we get hurt). Due to not having their number (naturally) i picked up to find who was on the the other side....id rather have heard death himself saying that my time was up than her voice. I made myself pretty clear that we have nothing to say to each other, well she did but its all the same fake crap. I said I made the decision to have no contact and i was happy with the situation. I was informed that she still thought about me.....maybe this was harsh but i replied with the honest truth, "you dont even cross my thoughts,i have moved on and i think you should do the same. What we had was not meant to last, you made sure of that. And i cannot thank you for showing me the real you.". Obviously she wasn't expecting that. I just hope she get's the message.

Just got to find someone to share my world with, its so lonely being under the radar....

"I want something more
Something to live for
Before it gets too late and theres no turning back"

March,april and may madness!

2011-05-15T07:05:00.001-07:00

Just noticed that my blog has been somewhat neglected of late and wondered if i should keep it or bin it. I think a change of colour is needed, they should make a chameleon colour that changes to suit an individual's needs. Had a bit to deal with this month, been trying to say the least.

First off thanks to slink and naill for their awesome house party!

Looking forward to download already and have started to get some stuff in, and hopefully make it a great few days and have some much needed fun. Im hoping to see as many bands as possible. Bands i would like to see include: SOAD(obv),AX7,Down,All that remains,BFMV,Disturbed,Korn,Children of Bodom,Sevendust,Evile,Straight line stitch,Sworn amongst and malefice to name oh but a few.

But yet as always i must leave you once again to go out into the brave new world and to never return. Okay ill return but i dont know when ;p

bout time :P

2011-03-15T08:43:00.001-07:00

What a week its been and its not even started yet. I had a good birthday, fairly quiet but money is tight so maybe next year. Thanks to all my friends for the birthday wishes and cards....i was quite chuffed as my bro saw fit to grace me with a litre of Jack Daniels :D (gobsmacked was i!). Looking forward to the next few weeks, as all my training will pay off.

<----[Update]---->

Well the training paid off, last night i was awarded my Red sash grade 1. It was a fairly gruelling process, but i managed it :D and to make my night all the better, i was invited to join the weekly BJJ sessions.....first one is tonight so im already beaming.

Been looking at a few options for getting my own property, seen a few i like the look of and trying to sort out things to make the dream a reality. Anyone fancy a house share? Looking forward to eddies on the weekend if all goes well.

:(

2011-02-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

RRRRAAAAARGH! DAMN! CRAP! Im so angry with myself at the moment....a distinct sense of apathy to everything. It seems like im going in ever smaller circles. Must get out....must get out...

Love all the people

2011-02-13T06:31:00.000-08:00

Good news everybody, all the males have arrived safe and sound :) For once i am impressed with royal mail for keeping their side of the bargain. Even if the cashier said i was breaking the law sending spiders through the post. Which to this i replied that as they are of the order Aranae and of the intraorder Myglamorphae, they are indeed classified as insects....plus they wont be found on subsequent DWA lists.......hah! I took great pleasure in tearing said cashier a proverbial new one.

Im still weighing up going to download, if metallica were there id have signed up in an instant. Yet sonisphere is niggling with their line-up, just wish some people would for once just enjoy life and stop worrying and join me in the fields of rock! I have no doubt that once again it will fall through, fate it seems is not without a sense of irony.

On the brighter side, the sifu's at the wing chun school i attend are setting up a trip to Hong Kong in sept to train with the two remaining sons of Grandmaster Ip Man. I have already expressed a desire to go, a) its Hong Kong b) its a once in a lifetime opportunity. Just the thought of being able to practice kung fu in the park with the best in the world combined with the chi sau seminars ive been attending, should take my WC to a new level.

That reminds me i have still yet to upload the pictures i took from Prague last year. Must get round to that at some point.

Dante's inferno was based on real life

2011-02-07T05:40:00.000-08:00

Well where to begin, its been a while since i have sat down and blogged the daily "struggle" thats is my life. I love it when blogs,tweets,posts whatever you want to call them are over dramatacized. Struggle seems like such a pompous thing to write let alone be a metaphor for my life.

It's not as bad as I made out, i still dont care for my job at UPS (which we are referring to as "logistics" if anyone asks ;P) and still have a seething dislike for this situation i have put myself in. But im not going to lament one's fortune, when the sun seems to be shining ever so slightly over the hill.

Qigong - what is it? Well simply put its the physical and mindful practice in the training for health, martial arts and awakening one's true nature. The whole mystical nature of martial arts has always fascinated me and i have participated in various forms of martial art in my life. But recently i reached an epiphany....i started Wing chun kung fu after a friend pushed me into attending a class. Best desicion i have ever made, although i still have niggles i have an eerie inner calm lol. So yeah, getting away from that i have my grading coming up soon (so excited!!) and have started putting things into perspective.

I finished the foundation part of my course with score of 100% (oh yeah!) and im now looking forward to moving on with next part. My spiders are all doing well and three of my males are on their way to waiting females for breeding....lets hope for some success. Havent spoke to sarah in a while, so hey sarah if your reading....we must catch up soon!

What the deuce?

2010-10-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Finally got round to potting up the OBT slings yesterday, and what a effort that was. They were everywhere! Moved the female and caught the ones who made a concerted effort to escape. About three in total eluded me, including one which hid (i kid you not) in my hood and only made an appearance when i was making a cup of tea later lol. So after they had been moved i managed to count around 33, not bad for a second clutch and im sure they was some cannabilism. Also finally saw my female pokie!! i havent seen her in like 4 months and she was stunning, its a shame i didnt have my camera at hand.

In other spider related news, i think my cobalt blue female is gravid after a mating about a month ago, fingers crossed.

Work is work, and im wondering what the security is going to be like after the worldwide alert...not that the security at work is any good. Ive been searching for some better work and tbh there's not much, just got to keep looking. Found out i will need about 25-30% deposit to be able to afford a mortage, which has pretty much doused any flame of hope.

Also had a text from the ex, asking how i was and how we seem to have "lost" touch.....lost touch? no, i stopped talking to you. I didnt even dignify her with a response and went about my day. Still makes me laugh that she still wants anything to do with me, we broke up and went seperate ways, it happens...do what i did and get over it. The catastrophe that is my love life is pretty much DOA, there is one person who i have grown fond off over the past few months and have tried to find out how they feel..just need to regain that something i feel like im missing.

I need a night out lol.

ready, set, go....

2010-10-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

Phew its only 10:10am and already i have managed to get most things on my list done...

Paypal account set up and sorted for selling spiders etc...
Table for the December show at Newark booked and paid for...
New Gi ordered...
Crickets purchased for all my hungry spiders...
Milk bought in time for a morning cuppa...
Coursework revision done....for now
E-mails checked and answered..
Spiders sent off in post, cost me £7.50 just in postage!...

So yeah its been quite a day already, normally i go to bed for a few hours but today i just felt that theres been too much to do. I looked in the mirror when i got back and was horrified...i actually went out looking like that? oh dear lol

Markuuus fights back

2010-10-04T06:29:00.000-07:00

"The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper" - Aristotle

When things dont go the way we would like them to, what are you to do? You could do nothing and complain about how tough life is on you, or you can realise that some people have it harder than you. Seeing and hearing snippets of information in the news about the governments proposed cuts makes me believe they are taking the softly softly approach. The child benefit (which can be claimed by anyone..inc people earning £50+ k) has been scrapped for high earning people as it rightly should, and will save us according to them £1 billion a year (great i thought) but it wont come into effect till at least 2013. Useless. All these measures that are being taken are taking to long to come about, by just reducing the amount of people living off the the state and refusing asylum to every one who comes to England would save the populace trouble and money. Bringing back the death sentance (frees jail space) and tougher criminal sentencing would also save money.

Personally due to the economic climate im struggling (like everyone) to make ends meat and have seen my hours at work dwindle to practically nothing (still holding onto the job by skin of my teeth) and have been hunting for greener pastures ever since. The job pickings are as to be expected very slim and i have thought about returning to higher eductaion, but i could not deal with the debt and the ultimate question...what would happen if i finished Uni (again) and still couldnt get a job??

On a good note im just currently revising for one of my section exams about network technology and internet exchange points...going well so far although remebering the structure of the OSI/RM model is tricky. Fingers crossed for when i submit the exam and ill post the result as soon as i know. Hopefully this course will lead to something better.

Holiday post blues

2010-09-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hey all, just got back from Prague and it was amazing! Got to see some great sites and eat some good traditional Czech cuisine and a (few) beers :D. The first day when pretty quick after landing just took a look around to get bearings etc. What id never realised is that Prague is actually split into four sectors, Stare Mestro, Nove Mestro, Hradcany (where i stayed) and Mala Strana. My hotel window got great views of the Castle and Catherdal as well as the more modern roadworks (typical lol). The weather stayed good for the most part that made it all the more enjoyable as i pretty much walked everywhere.

I managed to see lots of incredible buildings (Cathederal of St vitus, Prague Castle, Strahov Monastery etc), a few art exhibitions as well ranging from art nouveau,mannerist,baroque and rococo. The National museum was also good with some proper unusal creatures on display and possibly the most exicting thing....the first Poecilitheria Sp (tarantula) ever found in 1804 on display :D :D

If you ever go to prague you must try the food, they love pork though as most dishes were made with some sort of pork variant. The dumplings were to die for esp when you had it with beef goulash and horseradish, all washed down with a Pilsner. I will put photos up on facebook of the trip if anyone wants a look see.

Im glad the pope has also gone back to Italy as i like mosty good sensed people, was dead against spending tax payers money for an ex-Nazi youth/Paedophile protector to visit this isle.

On sunday i atteneded the small show in leeds and managed to pick up some more tarantula's. I got a Panama Blonde,Emerald skeleton,Brazilian White knee,Trinidad chevron and an Pinktoe Goliath Birdeater. That roughly takes me to 34 without all the spiderlings (100+ with) that i am currently tubbing up to go to their new owners. Scary feeling though that of late has been in the back of my mind, i just feel like im using the spiders as a "relationship" in where there is no risk etc instead of trying to forge a new realtionship and take some more risks. Just dont want to wake up in a few years time and say ....where did my life go? Maybe i need professional help lol

I also need to get out more, after constantly working on coursework, spiders and working i have neglected my BJJ training since the injury and personal life in general. Like im travelling down a road to nowhere. Maybe things will change, maybe they wont.. but i know im not going down without a fight. Things may just pick up if you get my drift ;)

Home is where the Tarantula is...

2010-08-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

Been very busy with work and course work lately, and just when i start getting back into training for the next BJJ competition in Manchester i discovered the neck injury is back and the other day lost my footing a went over on my ankle....so that's another week out of training. Lost my overtime at work due to some people abusing the system and somehow managed to clock up 50 hours overtime and managed to get paid it!! So now instead of increasing the already crap wage with 20+ hours of actual overtime a month im reduced to 9.45 hrs this month. The only good thing is as the rush to christmas starts now (oh yeah, already i know) i can clock up some (hopefully) serious overtime.

They have already offered us more overtime over the christmas period (which for us is Nov- Jan) by assisting the drivers out on road, kind of like a drivers mate. Thats not too bad i thought, oh what they dont tell you is that's on top of the shift i usually work already. So just to make sense i would have to work from 3 am -7.30/8.30 loading vans and then work till possibly 7/8pm at night.....hmmmm

On a happier note, i finally found a male for my female and am just waiting for her to show herself. I kind of feel sorry for the male though, its not like he gets to do his thing with multiple females and live the life of reily. Every time could literally be his last time :( I managed to name the couple and thought of a few names, i finally decided to stick with Pinot (m) and Noir (f). He is a big fella at roughly 7-8" and if you think hes big she is about 8-9.5" lol.

Looking forward to september....should be a good month.

lead anchor - Paper sails

2010-08-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

After the rather sombre and downbeat blog i decided that this post should be a tad happier or at least more upbeat in its content, so i will get rid of the pent up dirt now to save you all from listening to it. I got rid of all her photos from facebook :D.... done and dusted no more. So yeah this weekend i got invited to go paintballing with brother and his work friends etc, so i readily accepted. After putting on this camo'ed boiler suit and BMX mask and getting kitted up i was already pysched up and it was the most fun ive had in a while. The first game i shot some poor sap in the chest at 140mph then 30 seconds before the match ended i got shot 3 times in the back...gutted lol. It doesnt hurt as much as people think, in fact its when the paintballs dont explode - that stings although i emerged from the day relatively unscathed....mwahahaha!

Also this weekend my king baboon "ali" shed her skin which now takes pride of place in spider shelf and my vagans "bolt" moulted out into a male :( oh well looks like i have got to find two dates now lol. I got sent a PM form someone willing to sell me their male regalis as well so thats a positive outlook.

Dating wise - just isnt happening...made a few email exchanges but no-one has really caught my eye and made me take notice. Im not after anything like a one night stand but im not going to rush things either. sadly dating in general is frustrating...what you going to do?

Tracks that have made this blog possible:
Atreyu - Right side of the bed
The Crimson
Our sick story (thus far)
Her portrait in black
Ex's and Oh's
The theft.....god damn i love atreyu :D

King Nothing

2010-08-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

Life is passing me by and there seems to be no way to stop it.....this is by far the worst ive felt in quite a while. Oh well lets just plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time....:(

Web dating

2010-07-24T07:21:00.001-07:00

Whilst i was sat at my comp listening to the best of atreyu....which rocks on so many levels btw. I had an epiphany, set up a forum/site for people looking to trade spiders for breeding projects! Kind of like a match.com for spiders lol. I think it would be a great idea and be pretty fun seeing as its close to my heart (spiders wise). No idea what i could call it, and yes i had al;ready thought of the irony of web dating ;D

Oh god? my brilliance is becoming a burden

2010-07-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at the sky and against all the scientific fact and indeed your better gut instinct said...your just testing me, right? I am a big believer in karma and what goes around etc but lately i cant believe the endless stream of crap coming my way. I do my best to just smile and not let it bother me, most days i am victorious....some days not. I just dont see why people cannot act like adults and take responsibilities seriously no matter how shit the job is.

I hate, hate my job with a unbridled passion, but seeing as good jobs are few and far between im pretty much stuck in the vacuum that is my work place. Having said that i do a damn good job and work my fingers to the bone, yet the same always happens...the people who mess about and pretty much dont give a crap get noticed and recognition, whereas the string pullers behind the scenes who actually do the fricking work get nothing. I envy people who love their job

What will it take to escape you?

Eight legged musings

2010-07-18T07:17:00.000-07:00

My collection of spiders has grown over the last year at a massive rate, i started about April time last year as a way of coping and got 2 on my very first show and one mantid (but that died...good riddance little s**t!). Since then the obsession has taken over and i pretty much go all oooh ahh whenever i see a spider, even in my own home i just cannot take my eyes of them.

So since april the collection has gone from 2 to 29! it would have been a larger amount if not for my Avic passing off, and the fact i could have bought more if i had the money and room. Having said that if i was one of those people who had hundreds, then i could see a lapse in care. And lets face it they dont sit well with most people.

So far my motley horde:-

Pterinochilus Murinus x4 (Tango,Fanta and two unnamed)
Poecilitheria Regalis
Poecilitheria Formosa x2 (Violet and salem)
Citharischius Crawshayi x2 (Ali and Baloo)
Hetroscodra Maculata
Avicularia Metallica
Grammostola Rosea (No 5)
Brachypelma Vagans (Bolt)
Brachypelma Smithi
Brachypelma Auratum
Aphonopelma Iodius
Haplopelma Lividum x2
Haplopelma Albostriatum
Cyclosternum Fasciatum
Chromotoplema Cyanopubscens
Tapuinchinus Subaclurens
Ceratogyrus Darlingi
Euathlus sp Montane
Lampropelma Violaceopes
Psalmopeus Irmina
Lasidora Parahybana x3

Black clouds vs Silver linings

2010-07-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Moments of suprising wonder are rare but beautiful when they happen, this week has started with a moment that has kept me smiling to myself and a moment that tires its best to overshadow said event.....but (whistles) aint gunna happen bud!

Went to the docs the other day as my neck has still not recovered and was told that my injuries resemble whiplash, bit stunned actually lol. Apparently the levator scapula (leads from shoulder to neck) and the longus capitas (lie over the anterior cervical vertebrae) are tense and swollen :( so im on some anti-inflammatory's and resting the neck. Funnily enough this has nothing to do with headbanging, although that would be proper rock! lol

....and my scorpion finally had his last supper :( thought i would be bit more bummed but i felt that although she is gone and i do miss her little nuances, it makes more room for tarantula's. Every cloud as they say...

But before you reach for the rope, the great news that has ment i cant stop singing to myself, i have a new tarantula! a Citharischius Crawyshai (king Baboon) adult female called "ali", she has settled in beautifully and is always a point of sheer terror for people (mwhahahahah)...ooh ooh ooh and and my murinus female "tango" has started to lay another egg sac (go on girl!) god i love this sp! not only are they a fiery orange with a penchant for aggression, they double clutch!! so as you can guess the smile on my face has been joker-esque. At this moment im searching for a male regalis for my female as she seems a bit lonely...

My Sanity on the Funeral Pyre

2010-07-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ever done something that you should have done long ago but you only did it now? im not going into details but im racking my brains for reasons why i left it so long, and why is it still lingering after all this time. There are the odd times when the problems that i thought i had left behind resurface but luckily they happen behind closed doors.....nothing a little bit of heaven wouldnt sort. In a bout of pure madness i cleaned the whole house and the spiders all in one day after work, dont know why but the spiders maintence was enjoyable...? normally its a proper chore as some of them decide either to bulldoze the substrate everywhere and bury their water bowls (no one said spiders were smart), or as soon as i open the lid/cage door its feeding time and without hesitation you see a pair of legs appear ready and waiting.

Finally finished the 2nd part of my coursework and now just have the revision and exam to do before its on to network tchnologies....:. Gutted that last weekend i missed out on a rock night, but to be honest my neck was still pretty sore and my hayfever was pretty OTT. nevermind.

Should be going paintballing in august, ive been putting paintball off some quite some time but decided to take of the shackles and have a go....it may be fun to shoot someone (with paint). Had the whole house to myself this week and its been lonely, my folks can sometimes drive me spare but having no one to talk to has been draining. Top that off with texts from someone who just doesnt get the message, and it puts me back, almost regressing to that period of your life you could quite happily torch from existence. I will be brutally honest and say im pretty lonely at the moment, is it possible to be lonely in a crowd of people? I dont know whether its a mixture of things or whether a single piece of my life is missing. I could really do with a holiday and am looking forward to hopefully going to the USA for a week, should be good.

Just getting harder and harder to get up in the morning, everything just seems to be out of my reach...i hope that one day ill look back at this blog and think thank god thats over, wish that day would come soon though.

world cup fever

2010-06-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Warrrrm! my god its warm outside, im not complaining its just i am a mammal....i crave cappucino's, fires and rosey cheeked women (in no certain order) lol. This weather is excellent if you a cold blooded lizard...or in this case my spiders who have never been so active.

As expected world cup fever has gripped the entire nation, seemingly taking our minds of the cock up BP are making of fixing the oil leaking into the gulf of mexico at an alarming rate. But hey dont sweat, its only wildlife that cannot be replaced....as long as rooney's ok.

Work is the same tedious nightmare as is always but in this curent climate and the cuts in all sectors about to start, im thankfull that UPS is a hefty company and they do a stupid amount of business. Had recently trained a new guy on the belts, but as with some people dont give a damn....neither do i mate but hell, if a job is worth doing its worth doing well.

Course work is coming along slowly, spent the last month and a half learning about DHTML, creating aliases with TinyURL,Enterprise resource planning and DOM's. All of it sounds about as exciting as stirring paint, think of the future thats all i keep saying.

Few updates:-gained more spiders,two possible breeding projects on the horizon, annnnd i have been told im about 3 weeks away from getting my first stripe in BJJ!

News new news...

2010-04-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, its been a few weeks since i have posted, guess im not much of a poster lol. So a few new things since last time, i now have a few more spiders (lol noooo?)...

*Poecilitheria regalis (Indian Ornamental) female (8"legspan)
*Haplopelma Lividum female (Cobalt blue) (6-7" lgsp),
*Hetroscodra maculata female (Togo starburst) (6" lgsp)
*lampropelma violacepes (Singapore blue)
*lasidora parayhbana (Brazilian Pink Birdeater)

oh and i think my Pterinochilus Murinus (Orange baboon) also known as "tango" may have laid an eggsac and could possibly be mother to up to 200+ spiderlings (hope not that many lol).

On the bjj front, the advanced classes have brought up a lot of challenges some i have just scraped through and some that have flattened me. Its disheartning, i knew it would be hard otherwise its not worth doing right? its a combination of things, my fitness isnt as good as it used to be, the hours i work and the broken sleep dont help (i constantly feel tired and morose) and the work mounting up leave me thinking about it all. The classes i take start at 6.30 and go on till 9.00pm and thats on roughly 3-4 hrs sleep and having done coursework/illustration in between sleep and going training. Lately my arm has been trapped a lot in armbars, triangles and omo-plata's which with work has proper messed it up. I want to keep it up as it gets me out the house and helps me active. Its times like this when i think wow, i always wished my life would be full and different but its just work, work, work, sleep, work.

I have been putting some serious thought into moving to another country and trying to start a new life there, thought of a few places like Canada, USA,Australia and France but i haven't got the money (like a lot of people i guess) relocating just costs too much.

On the illustration front i have started the idea process for a new personal project that has been on the cards for a while, the iron man picture book. Dont know if it will work yet but hell, i will have a go. I have just started drafting the ideas and rough sketches out for the various parts of the story. I will add images to my facebook account when i have completed the dummy for possible critique and feedback. This could be a great start i have been craving to save me or just another artwork piece that never comes to light. Im working on the first assumption, dammit this will work for me.

The Times they are a changin'

2010-03-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post today, thanks for sarah pointing out in with starting afresh with a more positive feel, i evaluated my profile and amended details that are now but a distant memory of a life that seemed perfect but was indeed a thermonuclear warzone. Also in new news, i have recently aquired another tarantula and Avicularia Metallica (metallic tree spider) whose name has yet to be figured out...answers on a postcard lol. Oh and just for that person if they ever manage to find this ive got one thing to say......"It's all over now, baby blue". (Thanks Bob!:)...)

Happy thoughts

2010-03-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

Its been quite a while since i have wrote anything even resembling happiness on this blog. I guess it been hard this last year, im just thankful I still have friends that are worth keeping and have severed ties with the ones who cant even be truthful with me. Apart from the well documented hard times (im betting im not the only one sick of hearing about it haha) there are those shining moments in life which always seem to be overpowered by the bad. Well i thought long and hard and i managed to find some points in my life which i can at least take solace in and be happy about.

* I have a handful of friends (they know who they are) who i can tell everything to and be my true self around. Without them things would have been a lot harder, and one day ill make sure they are rewarded for their selfless friendship.

* Finding a sport that no matter how bad a day/week/month i have had will always make me smile after a training session. I love Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) no matter how hard it is, no matter how many competitions i lose.....i can still find reasons to smile.

* In a creepy way, the satisfaction my Tarantula's give me. To some people they are disgusting and wierd, but to me they are amazing. Its a great boost to see them grow and know that they were able to thrive due to my care and devotion. Shame they cant talk hahah.

* After so long, i can finally create XHTML pages and today got them validated by the W3C with no faults....ooooh yeah haha. Some of it is still not sticking but im getting there one day at a time.

* Knowing that when i get my first house, i did it...no one else. I also get some comfort for thinking that my life is going forwards not back or even to the side. I cant wait, i have plans to turn it into a massive jungle haha (joke).

This weekend is looking up as well, i turn 26 (age related jokes insert here) and im going to see alice in wonderland on saturday with good friends and sunday i may be getting another Tarantula....and the April show isnt that far away either. I also realised that i have been putting too much pressure and emphasis on being single and all its negative aspects....i know im not truly happy but im not with anyone for a reason, dont know what the reason is but....im sure one day it will all become crystal clear and i will look back thinking why did i stress so much?

Loved Ones (Excerpts from Speeches of How Great You Were, and Will Never Be Again)

2010-02-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.

And run away before I know.

My heart is just too dark to care.

I can't destroy what isn't there.

Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you...

My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your light

But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.

I think I made it very clear.

You couldn't hate enough to love.

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend.

Then I could hurt you in the end.

I never claimed to be a Saint...

My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go

So Break Yourself Against My Stones

And Spit Your Pity In My Soul

You Never Needed Any Help

You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself

And I Won't Listen To Your Shame

You Ran Away - You're All The Same

Angels Lie To Keep Control...

My Love Was Punished Long Ago

If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know

If you still care, don't ever let me know...

Made of scars

2010-02-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

I feel i should write this down once and for all, get it completely of my chest...as its been weighing heavy on my mind for too long now. It's funny how something can cause such mental strife.

I cant even remember how long its been since me and loz broke up, sorry she dumped me for reasons unknown to me and in her own words herself. Life is a fragile thing, it can easily be crushed and someone who had it all can be reduced to nothing...yet the human form is adaptable, tough and durable. Unlike i guess the ego, as i suppose all human relationships are built on ego...or a relationship can make both people in a relationship happy, the endorphins rushing of being with someone who makes you smile at the smallest thing and who you cant really sleep until they're next to you. Normally im a decent sleeper, what with working stupid shifts its not hard to fall off. But for a while now i havent been able to sleep, i dont know what keeps me awake...a feeling of lonelieness? possibily.

I admit it, its not easy being single when you are used to being in a relationship, some people thrive on their own...some don't. I'd put myself into the first catergory. As much as things have gone wrong now and i can see the truth, i cant help but miss her. I mean she was everything to me, my best friend, lover and the one person i should be able to trust unequivocally. She proved herself that this couldn't be. This is what kills me, we should have been together forever....she said she wanted us to be a family sometime in the future, so did i.

After all the dust settled and i scanned the wreckage, i saw nothing but myself in tatters, i had left my home to live with her where i had no friends, family or job! I worked night shifts and day shifts to pay rent and tbh keep her sister of her back, i even did DIY for her mum to help out as of loz's diminished wages. I never once gave her crap when she asked to borrow a little bit of money..you dont do you as you love that person.

So i move back after we ended to find all my friends have moved on and didnt keep in touch, oh well. I have ahd to move back with parents, which is a killer from going to hero to zero...its hard.

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and i cant see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a u shape
I put on my best but im still afraid

What am i suppose to want now
What am i supposed to do
Did you really think i wouldnt see this through

Tell me i should stick around for you
Tell me i could have it all
I'm still tired to care and i gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

Im over existing in limbo
Im over the myths and placebos
I dont really mind if i just fade away

Now all thats left is this bitter memory of seeing you being happy with someone else, whilst im dying on the inside, screaming without a sound......i hate this, i dont want to feel this way anymore.....i just want you to know! This is the worst ive ever felt, i hope i never have to feel it again....yet i cant stop asking the questions...why do i seem unloveable? guess ill never know.

Where am i going?

2010-02-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

Its been too long since i last posted but things havent changed one bit. Well thats not totally truthful as some things have changed. I now keep tarantula's and a scorpion, and for mere inverts they give me so much pleasure and when i go to buy one i feel like a 10 year old at christmas....and thats the best ive felt since i heard someone say "i love you" for the first time. Apart from that nothings changed and i dont feel it will.

I havent heard from loz fro quite a while, last i heard was that she was in a relationship with another bloke off facebook, i havent even spoke to any of my friends from warrington since either. I was ment to go the Oktober fest last year but i just couldnt go knowing that i could have bumped into her, i just dont have the strength....i still have deep feelings for her and i always will. I thought things were picking up about two weeks ago when i was emailed by a pretty woman off dating direct.com and we got talking and i found that we shared interests and she seemed perfect for me (as much as you can tell off the internet and email). A few weeks go by and we are chatting like 2-3 times a day and i can feel myself liking this person more and more but being careful not to get too into this person as i dont really know her.

Then in one email she gives me her real email address, i think its a break through as im not expecting her phone number etc, and i give her mine and we start conversing via private email....then being me i drop the ball once again, i end a message with a kiss (x)....it was an innocent email and was nothing untoward. She replied saying she had been working a lot and had not had chance to email back (as ppl do) she didnt leave a x (which didnt bother me). Then me being me i started thinking shit what if she doesnt think of me that way (its been a few days you idiot) and what if i did something to put her off(????). I sent her another email answering her question and this time didnt put a kiss on the end (thought id play safe)...i havent heard from her since.

Anyhow i have had an email from 3 other ppl off the dating website, one i dont think will go any further than just an odd email, and one well...its kind of off putting when you call someone wierd for keeping tarantula's. The other person im not sure about, she seems very smart and attractive and doesnt mind spiders that much (bonus) and we have emailed backwards and forwards...we will have to see. I just think the way i am at the moment no one will ever want to even be seen with me.....im nearly 26 and living with my folks! it kills me as i believe im independant and like my own space to invite friends etc. Guess i just better live with it.

Not a day goes by and i dont feel its burn

2009-06-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered what Lorraine thinks of me, does she even realise what she has done or is doing..why do i want to know if your spraying yourself with the hose..you expecting me to be reliving moments passed wishing i was with you? hey yeah i still wish we were together but you made it painfully obvious that you didn't want to be with me.....oh and why text me at odd times, like say when your bored? or oh here is a good one when your at work so your new bf cant see you texting an ex (hahaha). You text the other night saying you are unhappy and me being the mug that i am said....talk to me (smooth move ex-lax), you said when as your bf was still "visiting" and i say when your ready (again, mate what you doing).....and i think its only become crystal clear that although you claim an attraction to this bloke i can see more holes in your relationship than the Titanic's hull...

1. You claim to be attracted to him (which you may) but i think its cos we were going through a rough patch and he was the "shoulder to cry on", and i still think you are attracted to me and garner some feelings (you may do or not)
2. If you say things as semi-serious with him then you wouldn't be texting me and flirting, using terms like hun and using xx on the end of texts.
3. Sending me texts saying you still miss and love me (even though you know that would kill me more than anything)
4. I wont be around forever to help you with your problems, you have a new fella and if he can't fill the void i left....then I'm afraid you either have to look elsewhere or make do.
5. You ask me to come visit you and go the pub, just like old times.....those times are the past..they are never going to be recreated and be the same, as much as we might both want that it cannot happen...........

I have wanted to say to you that the relationship is over and you have made me feel so insignificant, i have fallen far enough nearly as far as i have in the past that gave me suicidal feelings....i want to tell you so much that on my way home from work i have often thought about just driving over the edge of the quarry and just sinking, i got so far as actually swerving for the edge..........

please if you have any feelings for me at all either please (and its killing me to even say this) leave me be...i loved you so much but all i got was hurt...i don't think ill ever get over you...goodbye

Trashed and scattered man seeks happiness part 1

2009-05-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

Im so confused right now, well to be honest i am not and i am....its really hard to explain but here go. GRRRR its so hard, i thought putting my heart on my sleeve would at least take some of my confusion but alas no....

"Once more you tell those lies, to me...why can't you just be straight up with honesty?...when you say these things in my ear, why do you always tell me what you want to hear?"

Why would someone say i love you so much and that they miss that person so much its actually hurting and then still remain in a relationship with another person they hardly know? i dont know whether its a vindictive streak or just plain stupidity....whether this person has such low self esteem that only destroying someone to the point of that person doubting everything about themselves, can make them feel wanted or loved. What also baffles me is how someone can form a healthy relationship when one person has feelings for their ex? maybe the person hasnt been clear on just what she feels (possible) or maybe the girl wants the ex to feel better by her saying she still loves him, just so she doesnt have to worry about him....(guilty conscience?) thing that springs to my mind is the saying...you have made your bed, now lie in it.

"you line them up, we'll put them down, this is so frustrating
to watch you sleazing all around, yet you keep smiling"

I personally dont know what to do, im crushed but i know i should move on....i really cant feel it....this is a message to all my fuckin good friends who have tried their hardest to help me sense in these times.....i love you all but i cannot see me ever not loving her....i know its stupid i hope one day i can look you in the eyes and say that im happy...thats all i want from life

A love letter stained with tears

2009-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Lorraine,
I am out, well and truly...out. Im tired of being the one that people walk over and see as this "thing" that you can discard and think ah well its not got feelings. I feel so shitty and its slowly taking me back to those days where id sit in the dark with a bottle of whisky and see if life got any sweeter, a sad visage. Ive already lost the love of my life for the second time and she still expects me to be all happy clappy with her, what do you want from me!?! yeah im still madly in love with you and im never going to be as happy as i was with you...there i said it you can gloat now that you have once again broken me.....hope your proud. Well i have no idea where you are and what your doing....oh and that text you sent me, harsh.....its still revolving in my mind......STILL!

Your messaging me now and, im close to tears....i still love you but fuck i really hate you for saying that we were great and now well you like someone else! did you not think it would hurt more than the first time? your sure your not making a terrible mistake again....? yeah i bet you had forgotten about that rainy nite when i picked you up outside the station with those roses and you said you had made am,istake and hoped that you had not done too much damage.......well i honestly think that this time you have blown apart any chance.....yet why do i still love you fuckin so........

I hope that this bloke who you have chosen to go with is going to give you everything that i never, i cant think what i didnt do for us.....i wanted to be with you forever and well now thats a distant memory, you made it that. Im gutted i never got to ask you, but would you have said yes...thinking of what you do now.......in that text you sent you said i love you....hearing that is soo hard its like a knife in the heart.....you dont love me...you dont and thats what hurts the most...

Every nite i think of you, lie asleep just thinking of you, just imaging im sleeping next to you and watching you sleep....and it brings me to tears.....every time.

Like the angel you are you laugh creating
A lightness in my chest,
Your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
That's when I got up and left

And each and everyday will lead into tomorrow
tomorrow brings one less day without you
But don't wait up just leave the light on
'Cause all the roads that I might take
will all one day lead back to you

Ill always be wondering looking for my soulmate, i thought i had found it but im not so sure....does your soul mate hurt you so? i dont know...i really dont

Mark

taken for granted

2008-12-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

Its been a few weeks since the split and im feeling somewhat better, i now see things more clear..although if people keep saying to me that things will get better...i will not be accountable for my actions! Spoke to lorraine a few times, i just dont think she understands me as much as i thought she did.....its a shame we ended but we carry on.

I sometimes think i want her to be happy whoever she is with, but i want to be there as a good friend and not have a jealous streak when i see her. Its wierd being single again, i havent been in 6 years! wow! I keep thinking that i deserve more and better but i dont have the self belief that im worth much...i know it doesnt help anyone that attitude. Maybe this will be good for me? i know what i want from a relationship, i want a relationship with someone who loves me and isnt fake with it, who i can be serious and think about a future with them, maybe that person is right around the corner.

She really smashed my confidence and my heart, and sometimes she still shows signs that she has feelings for me...but im not sure i feel the same about her, sometimes i hate her sooo much it hurts and sometimes i love her sooo much it hurts - i want her yet i know it would hurt again even more. I ment to be seeing her this weekend and i know most people have said to me that its a very bad idea, but just to see her...im goin to my brothers crimbo works do on the sat, and apparently a girl there has been asking about me, not sure whether she is interested or not or whether its a wind up.....hope not....ive seen pictures of her on facebook and she is very attractive, yet like my ex we have different music tastes and i hope something like that isnt going to hinder

but its just music after all and i just hope we hit it off as some female attention would be nice, to feel that way again,and to show my ex that she has let go of me now....as i sail off into the midsts she once hated i am again alone with my thoughts for company.

I hope i really do things with this girl work for me, it would be a good thing and its about time it happened to me goddamit....ill keep you posted.

Its alwasy darkest before the dawn

2008-12-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

I know people say that things get easier with time but, i honestly don't feel it....i don't. At the moment i feel sick to my very core, i hate myself more than anything and just when i think i cannot feel any worse about myself, i feel someone rubbing it in....I'm already dying here stop poking me please...I've had people say that its always darkest before the dawn, if its meant to be its meant to be and blah De blah,....i know they are trying to help and i whole heartedly appreciate their efforts i just don't want to think about it anymore

The person who has made me feel this low, i hope they know just how much pain they're causing, and i hope that decisions they make will be made carefully and considerately, or they risk losing me for good, they really do.

im not a selfish person and would never be that person who will not let someone carry on in their lives and have the if i cant have her no one can attitude, am i always to be torn apart......every relationship ive had has had moments of total ruin, probably my fault as much as the other person's...im no good with relationships im so nervous that im going to mess things up...i feel lonely and unwanted and that's on a good day.....the nights are the hardest time, i should be lying with my loved one in a warm embrace, not crying into my sleep hoping she will hear me...no one can hear you but you...ive tried many ways to relieve the tension building up inside of me, drinking obscene amounts of alcohol, cutting, going for walks or runs, drifting off to movies etc....but nothing can take away this pain...nothing. Would i feel any better if i knew that it would be over in a year or two? i dont honestly think so as i would be wishing for it to be that time..my body has shown me that this lifestyle isnt great and ive lost weight and been violently ill for weeks due to this torment....some friends know some of it, even my best friends dont know it all i couldnt handle telling them just how far i have fallen.....

my family know the bare bones and what i choose to tell them, i know that i should tell them everything but i honestly cannot, i could not bear seeing the looks, its already devastating to me....ive tried listening to music that normally lifts me out of bad moods and depression but its just not working...i think ive always suffered from depression just depended on when and how serious it was....ive done horrible things to myself and blamed myself for others actions questioning my own existence and why the hell would anyone love me! when i cannot love myself.....what is there to love, i dont see anything.....and even if i could im sure that the love of my life who stole more than her fair share has it.....my fire is dying and so is my compassion...im an emotional wreck sailing out to sea...ive honestly thought about moving to a different part of the country, changing my number and even moving countries

its a shame that all this would not get me away from this situation as it has a tendency to stay with you, i know there are people all over the world with much greater problems and people who are going through the same thing i am, i just wish there was a way i could take away this pain...i dont want to give up the ghost but its looking more and more bleak....

Where do you draw the line

2008-11-11T02:22:00.000-08:00

This has been my first post in a long time, but recent events have made it impossible for me to hold it in any longer....im shattered, physically and mentally. I have always had fears as everyone has about relationships, but now i dont know where to go or what to do. Things have been ripped apart and torn from under me - like a cruel prank. The one person who i thought knew me and how much certain events had taken their toll, would come to be the person whose hurt me most. I dont know exactly wether it was intentional or not, but they say the first cut is always the deepest......this time too deep. I dont know wether to move on or break down, its sucks!

You know when you look at someones eyes and see hope and a future? all i saw was nothing, that was a massive blow...i dont know wether i was not what was wanted or wether i did something to change her feelings. Thats what makes this hard...i understand that when things go south, that people need time and space, i agree whole heartedly....and i have done my best to give it to her. Yet i feel alone, totally alone while she can go away and try and fix herself...im stranded to whallow in what happened and what if's........having to deal with the aftermath of what's been created. People can be cruel, like prodding and poking an already dying animal.....asking what happened and who did what....do they even know how that makes me feel???

I keep asking myself how could love be so cruel, when all i did was for her? was i not enough? did i not treat her right? i feel invisible, like all the time we spent together and the things we went through didnt mean a thing...now you see me, now you dont, now you need me, now you dont. I will be leaving the home me and her shared for nearly 4 years next week and she is nowhere to be seen, in scotland to be precise. She doesnt even want to say goodbye, thats a cuel thing and heartless thing.....i know its going to be hard, stupidly hard but it has to be done to try and salvage a friendship out of this...can it be saved.....nearly 7 years of friendship and 5 years of a relationship? I hate losing friends, i have a handful of friends who i can really confide in and they will always be close to me....i dont want to lose another.

I believed her when she said everything and then saw photo proof that shook me, when asked she replied that it was not what it looked and that it was innocent.....i disagree and the flippant attitude of her made me believe even further that she had lost all respect for me and any lingering shred of love......i have seen things that no bf should see, it only adds fuel to my already burning fire....yet i can feel the fire inside diminishing. Can anything hurt as much as this? I can't get the photo out of my head, its making me so upset, christ i dont know how long i can take it,...i cant sleep, eat or even look at her friends and family and think of anything else........should i take my eyes out? blow my head off? i know suicide will not change a thing andonly hurt the one's i care about most...its not the answer....

I keep thinking is she real and that i cant make her real, and to not let this build up inside of me, but its increasingly hard. All i want to feel inside is some kind of comfort...

Cheese farts on warm day

2007-09-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel this overwhelming sense of constriction, like all the soul has been deleted from me like you delete a computer file. My soul has been put in the proverbial recycling bin hahah.. Ive been trying to decide what path my future lies in lately, whether going back to education is a good idea, there is obvious pro's and con's but i'm starting to feel that knee jerk reaction...since graduating university ive just meandered...my creativity has hit rock bottom and its frightening! Honest to god i feel like i cant draw anymore,every time i make calculated trips to either the zoo or a local city for reportage and to slowly get myself back into the seat.....something comes up. Work has been really grating lately, been called in at approx 8.18 am due to one of the chefs been unable to perform his duties cos he's still slaughtered!!!! working unreasonable hours (sometimes exceeding 50 hrs)...a few weeks ago my health fought back and threatened to put me in hospital for a few weeks at least with a particularly nasty kidney infection....cue passing blood and razorblades,crippling pain and a fever to boot. Been saving as much money as possible for required items to continue global domination of the illustration world (haha yeah right) including an imac and various programs and sloooowly learning basic programming language...but sometimes i struggle and i don't feel great about admitting it.

"He's a stranger to some and a vision to none, he can never get enough, get enough of the one."

Then there's life small problems that become bigger over time, but on a happier note i finally got see dave and his new house...not bad very swishy (hehe) met his girlfriend as well she seemed nice enough and dave seems happy enough so good for them...we all went out for drinks at the nelson rock pub in sheffield..btw its proper rockin!!!!! ate some good pub food and drank lots of ale and i was glad that i got to see dave, although i so miss my friends from uni, sarah,adam,linzi,tom,chris,dave,helen etc.

"Your promises, they look like lies, your honesty's like a back that hides a knife, i promise you, i promise you....i am finally free"

Black clouds

2007-08-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

Ok ok ok i know i have seriously neglected the blog for quite some time, i always seem to do this and its not good on my part. To fill you in on what has been happening as some of you may know i am now a chef at the david lloyd racquet and fitness centre...im sorta happy there, wish i was fully happy. But to be brutally honest ive not been happy for a long time with my working life, things with me and lorraine are good, its just the pressures of modern life and missing the familiarites of home. The dogs at my feet, my mums cooking, my room, just simple things like that...

Seeing as im a chef i thought that id better get better a lot quicker, but i can now make an omlette and decent scambled egg, getting into more wow territory i can whip up a decent red snapper fillet on a bed of maris piper potatoes and pesto... got a decent collection of cook books now, more jamie oliver and gordon ramsay than rick stein and james martin (bleurgh!).

Missing my friends more than anything, its depressing...when we were at uni it felt like everyone was family cos we lived so close, now its like a massive void.

"this is making me crazy, these black clouds following me, so i look for signs of light, but rarely i see them"

Some other news we have yet another cat which at this moment is trying to stop me blogging, little devil...his name is jasper (not my choice, but) i think hes about 13 weeks old...so hes a handfull. There was talk of me being the proud owner of a 5ft corn snake but that went down in flames as did the idea of a giant malaysian praying mantis....oh well its a shame cos just imaging the reportage you could get from that!

anyhow im going to go, if sarah reads this then heya lol

Sad state of affairs

2007-04-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's saturday again and im doing sweet FA! kinda happy but kinda bummed out as well, good news is that im feeling better and things are going ok.....got a few new dvd's as well....monster house,little man,talladega nights and lady in the water. The bad news is just that work kinda sucks doing these long shifts and having to listen to the dribble thats barked at me all day by the management, why cant management ever order off the menu?

Also bought a brand new dvd player as last one died a death....annnnnd its playing up already...fantastic!

So, its my day off been spending it with loz and watching tv, mainly the watford vs man utd game...im now sat here typing with a cold bottle of brahma and wondering whats for tea?

Also going to try scraperboard again and see if that can get my creative juices going...i raise a toast to all stryggling illustrators and say that things will get better in time and good illustration will prevail over the art brut!

Videos for sale....1st chance

2007-04-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

Hey guys been cleaning out my wardrobes to get rid of some of the stuff ive collected over the years, got a load of old videos...some of which you cant get any more. I am guna put em on ebay so if you see anything you like either contact me via email at atreyu_m_harrison666@hotmail.com or just keep your spuds peeled on ebay.

Heres the list....

Predator 2: the ultimate hunter
Game of death 2
Bad taste/ Braindead double feature
Reservoir dogs
A year and a half in the life of metallica part 1
John carpenters The Fog (original VHS copy)
Alien
Aliens
Alien 3
The matrix
Dogma
Heat
Metallica: cunning stunts
Ace ventura : pet detective
Devils advocate
Candyman
Interview with a vampire
Punch drunk love ( ex rental)
Mrs Doubtfire
Drilling the vein VI ( various artists off roadrunner)
American pie 2: unseen
The rock
Anaconda/Godzilla double feature
X-Files 1: the unopened file
Out of the past
Body heat
The karate Kid
Pumpkin head: vengence the deamon (ultra rare VHS)
Wild things
John Carpenters Vampires
Fists of fury
The mummy returns
The Blob (1988 remake - rare)
Mans best friend
Deep blue sea
Children of the corn 2
Slugs
Death machine
Hellraiser 2 : hellbound
Ghoulies 2
Demons 2
Critters 2
Return of the living dead 3 (uncut)
Leviathan
Kindred
Rumplestiltskin
Falling down
Bottom series 1,2,3
Bottom fluff
Queen of the damned
Karate Kid 2
The mission
The ghost and the darkness
South Park the movie
Dragon lord
Fear and loathing in las vegas
Watership down
Angel : season 2 pt 1-11
The very best of father ted

also i have sum dvd's and PC games to sell..

Pc games
Rainbow six: rogue spear
Kingpin

Dvd's ( girlfriends dvds she got fed up off)
Boogeyman
8 mile
Never been kissed
Hide and seek
Just married

ive also got many more videos so if your interested just email me and ill email you the list..ta peeps...btw hey sarah

Midnight swim

2007-02-28T02:35:00.001-08:00

Well its been absolutley ages since i last blogged but ive been busy and depressed about events unfolding surrounding a inance company and a company im not mentioning just incase i get sued...yay. Anyhow i got paid form my new job the other week, went to draw out my rent to my horror to see that all i had was £99.75, you can imaging the shock on my face....when i asked my manager he said the cut off date was four days after i started......nice. So im now so broke im limited to about £3 a day which sucks big time.... seeing as i next get paid on the 25th of march and my 23rd is on the 7th bummer :( but were going out with some of our mates from the pub and my mates from work to town....£1 a pint its student night!!!! that takes me back...

Also had a newsletter about the new club at lufbra uni..the rock night is back and it doesnt have a gay name just a rubbish name u ready.....The losers club! i kid you not, thats got to be the work of some stuck up journalist who needs a slap. i am enjoying being a commy chef (trainee chef) its hard work and sometimes so busy you cant think straight but i get to be a little creative with the food, especially the deserts which i must say.....look delish.

Im also gutted that due to lack of funds that im unable to go to the AOI march tour in rochdale which sucks but ive heard its still on just farther away. Struggling to come up with a name for my whisky, ive got a few names but i need some help as to which ones suck and which ones kick sweet bourbon ass!!

Ill try and post them on myspace and then send it to everyone..hope u can all help.

ill try and blog more i promise , eve though i doubt anyone reads it lol but it helps me ..

Mytunes life story

2007-02-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

1.) How am I feeling today? Left hand Charity - 36 crazyfists ( well i am quite generous to our left handed siblings lol)
2.) How will I feel getting married? Departure - Trivium ( from what???)
3.) What is my best friend's theme song? Monsters - Funeral For A Friend (slink is a party monster lol)
4.) High school is? Endlessly, She said - AFI (one endless nightmare yeah it was)
5.) I am? Five Nails through the neck - Cannibal corpse (Oh dear i'll alert the police lol!)
6.) How is today? Better days - God forbid (yeh i have had better but much worse)
7.) What is in store for this week? Jihad - Slayer (ooooh dear!)
8.) What song best describes my parents? We cannot deny - 36 Crazyfists (that their son is an not of a normal disposition)
9.) How is my life going? The Arms Of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage (my life aint great but some people have it got it worse...)
10.) What song will they play at my funeral? Never Enough - Papa roach ( I always wanted Metallica - nothing else matters played but ah well)
11.) How does the world see me? A Matter Of Time - Breed 77 (till what?? answers on a postcard)
12.) My friends think? Exploder - Audioslave (.......ok..)
13.) My life lived? Skin Ticket - Slipknot (well our skin is just a shell...a very expensive and uselss one just like a ford car wahay!)
14.) This makes me happy? Kansas city 90210 - From autumn to ashes ( i hated Beverly hills 90210...why should i like this one?)
15.) What should I do with my life? Struck a nerve - Machine head (watch out mel gibson!)
16.) I will be happy when? Suffocating sight - Trivium (these answers are kinda depressing)
17.) What is some good advice? Supremist - Slayer (um i think ill ask someone else.....)
18.) What do I think my current theme song is? Murder - Sepultura (stupid people be aware!)
19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Alvarez - Funeral for a friend (ooh that sounds posh!)
20.) The type of men/women do I like? Ghosts of war - Slayer (spooky....)
21.) What should I do with my love life? Crystal lake - Poison the well (so youre saying im going to become disfigured, get drowned by a bunch of kids and then kill every stupid teenager who can't run in a straight line?)
22.) What will your neighborhood be like? Left Behind - Slipknot (Council house yay!not)
23.) What will your dying words be? Time and time again - Papa roach (... ill haunt your ass!)

wham! bam cash you ma'am

2006-12-24T06:03:00.000-08:00

Merry christmas everyone

Ive been running around all month trying to get presents for my friends and family, ive managed to get everything i wanted to get, i got something special for two of my best mates who have kept in contact with me dave and sarah..i hope they both like what ive got them, its just one of those things where you see something and you instantly think of that person! I got a few things for lorraine that she wanted for christmas so i think she'll be very very happy come christmas day...plus i get to see my family after boxing day for a week which should be nice to see them. Today ive been running around trying to get the last minute christmas booooze, seeing as i love wine and have learnt an odd thing or two since working for the thresher group i picked out some wines which will go well with both turkey and the various acroutments ie veg and stuffing and as an aperitif.

First i decided to pick 2 btles of Blossom hills california red, as its a smooth easy drinking red that will go well with any meat..then i decided to pick a btle of Stowells chardonnay marsanne, a dry but fruity white..the next choice was a flinders realm colombard chardonnay, this is a easy drinking white with loads of fruit flavours that sits easily on the palette.

This was followed by a btle of JP Chenet cinsault grenache and a Echo Falls rose for a sweeter wine, most likely for the desserts later on. Beer wise a case of budweiser and stella is appropriate, whilst treating myself to a btle of Marston first drop, old empire pale ale and a btle of wychwood's fiddler's elbow. Its going to be a great christmas lol

NEWS!!!! - ive just heard and then witnessed the devastation a jcb yes a jcb! causes when it smashes through a co-op window lol, yes you heard me right a few donughts thought it would be a great idea to drive a jcb into the shop window to pinch the atm machine, hench the co-op being shut...only in warrington

Liverpool, city of culture - My Arse!!!!

2006-12-11T04:15:00.000-08:00

oooh my head! i went to liverpool on sat night for loz's sisters birthday with some of her friends from work and her bf, starting in warrington at about 8.30 we got a taxi to liverpool city centre, id never been to liverpool before and only expected to pay stupid prices for a pint, but even though it was stupidly priced it was a good night....loz made a new friend in one of her sisters mate who quite pissed turned out to be a nice person to hang with....although most fo the group were friendly one person i was ready to how can i put it ( hope she didnt make it back) lol, some people can be obnoxious before alcohol but this person was an arse all night.

Went to some nice and classy bars, but had to wait and i kid you not 15 mins to be ignored by this barman whom served these drunk women with their glutimus maximus hanging out - classy love, real classy......after a nights drinking food was on the agenda, i had managed to get to the front of the queue to be told we had to go cos of the taxi picking us up....damn!!! although looking back it was a good idea as i didnt look that a) healthy and b) sanitary.

got bakc home about 3 am and had to have a chicken sarnie as i was starrrrving, after a shot of dooleys her sister decides to let me and loz know that shes not keen on certain things......ie me not in full time employment, although i never miss a rent payment even if it leaves me broke and at one stage i had two jobs....but that doesnt matter to her....that kinda spoilt the night, but otherwise it was gud to be out with loz who looked goregous....

Isis - inspiring the artist pt.1

2006-12-05T12:38:00.000-08:00

Arrrgh! how come when tool played in the US and everywhere else the fans got to see ISIS and over here Mastodon - now dont get me wrong i love mastodon, and after reading slinks blog was dissapointed with the performance.....to me Tool playing with ISIS as support would have been great even though im no massive tool fan.

I cant remember how long ive wanted to see this incredible band live, after hearing their music which in all its unworldy glory isnt easy listening, yet draws you in and leaves you mesmerized...which is more than i can say about some of the lesser bands on todays circuits.....whenever im illustrating i have Isis on the stereo or my ipod for the most intense listen...often inspiration derives from the music....sometimes leaving rather odd viewpoints that dont quite make sense lol.

Oceanic and Panopticon are quality listens if your after something more experimental, just imagine radiohead if they let loose with their anger a bit more...its quite refreshing, none of this fake emotion....

Oceanic is more listenable with moments of introspection which are blasted out of your ears witha almighty roar that would scare you if you didnt know it was coming, the song Carry is my fave song - its mellow and kinda mournful, with some interesting instruments being played...everyone should try it..

Panopticon is a different listen, more loose and wildly more experimental....im still finding new things in each song...theres that much in isis's music

my most recent project is John steinbecks - The pearl which isis's music has helped shape especially the more intense scenes, when they are done ill post them for you to see, thank god theres isis, garry kelley and jagermeister lol...

Hopefully this will lead to some meanigful work for money, having said that one of my gf's friends who is having a breather from serving in iraq has asked me to paint or draw some of his moments that he fondly remembers from his duty...he even offered to pay...bonza!

Pheew! out of the wilderness and into the fire

2006-11-30T07:23:00.000-08:00

Im back..again, last time i never left posts which was all due to me being well busy but know ill post more,i want to post till i cant post no more....keep watching for more senore markuuus!